Posted February 3rd, 2015 at 8:20 pmComments Closed
Over the years in my practice I have developed the ability to listen to the body of my client and follow what their body needs. It may be a certain type of touch, a stretch, a hold. It could be a particular conversation topic, or telling one of the stories I’ve lived or am living. Maybe it’s asking them a question that opens something up for them, or let’s them express. Sometimes it’s naming an emotion I’m sensing, or maybe just feeling it and leaving space for it to express however shows up. The body may ask for certain nutrients, herbs or exercise. Creative outlets may also be requested.
I often feel like a bridge between the person’s body, subconscious and their conscious reality.
Naturally as infants and children we learn ways of expressing in the world based on how we’ve learned to get attention from our parents. We all seek to be loved, nourished and reminded we are safe. Depending on each person’s environment, parenting style and societal dynamic, we will develop the system of expression that works best to accomplish these needs.
I was a spoiled child, I admit it. I was first born and had 6 years before my siblings came along.
In those 6 years I got all the attention needed to fulfill my basic needs. I was born into a comfortably well off family with 2 working parents and I was loved dearly. What was a struggle that went perhaps unnoticed was that I was also a hypersensitive child, and from what I can see there were all sorts of dynamics within this, that I as a child and society in the 80s didn’t understand in regards to needs.
I can remember the countless times I was asked “why are you so sensitive?”, “why are you crying all the time?” in school. In retrospect I think it was the only thing I could do with the amount of feeling I was experiencing in my body. I had no language to express it, and no navigation tools to work with. I remember my mom telling me how in Kindergarten she was asked if they could “study me”, that there was something “different or unusual” about me. She told them to take a hike and that there was nothing wrong.
I was so sensitive to the thoughts, feelings and situations of other’s internally that it became my barometer of how I felt in any moment. I couldn’t separate the two or even know I should. It also became the system in which I developed my own identity. If I wanted to be loved, nourished and reminded I am safe, I needed to shift my behaviour and expression to support the other person’s ability to feel loved, nourished and safe. Then all would be well in my world. And for the most part, it worked. I learned how to adapt and chameleon to each different person.
As an adult I have come to realize that although that system helped me survive my sensitivities, it also create an identity that wasn’t really me. It created a language and personality that needed others to validate her all the time. I never learned how to nourish, love and remind myself that I am safe. I never focused on my internal and natural way of being in the world. Although my story is definitely part of who I am, it is not the whole picture.
I want to mention that I don’t put blame on my parents, society or the people I interacted with. Every part of this was needed for me to develop the way I work with others in my practice. It truly helped developed my gifts as a healer. I wouldn’t change a thing but I can continue to grow from this point of awareness.
I am on the journey now of learning who I am, what I like and don’t like, what I want, what I need and how I can fill those spaces inside. I am learning how to take care of myself, nourish myself and I have lots of tools to navigate my sensitivity. The exercise I did to make this experience possible for me was to start expressing what is true for me in any moment. Not next week, or next month. First to myself and then to the world around me. Letting go of it needing to be perfectly expressed or especially understood or validated. Being open to the fact that once I speak it, it may change. How crazy is that?! I felt a bit crazy in starting out, but it has taught me about letting go of right or wrong for how I can learn and grow. I am letting go of my filters I created on my voice and the world bit by bit.
Now my body is starting to speak up in an empowered way. I have a timer set on my phone that goes off every 2 hours and asks me “What do I need in this moment?”. I stop whatever I’m doing and I check in. Sometimes it might be I need to sit down, or take a deep breath. Maybe I need to eat something or ask for a hug. I can feel how honouring it is towards myself.
Sometimes the needs require boundaries with others or learning there are parts of me who are undernourished or have imbalanced neediness. Inner children in me who I ignored or were ignored. I still listen and express, but I am also learning the discipline of sitting with and in feelings without needing to act right away. I am in essence re-parenting myself. Part of this re-parenting is being ok with hearing ‘no’ and feeling what ‘no’ feels like in my body. Honouring that it is a way of taking care of ourselves, not that I am wrong in my asking. That way it isn’t so scary to be true to myself and it opens me up to feel what a ‘yes’ is in my body.
All of this to say that my practice is starting to change. No longer is it my place to tell the person solely what their body needs. I am starting to witness long time clients having the courage to speak up and ask for what they need. It is allowing me as a practitioner to take the role of holding space. This space is created by my whole experience and the work I continue to do to explore who I am. This space is non-judging, safe, loving, compassionate and honest. It cuts through the BS, brings up illusions and leaves space for the unknown and unexpressed sides of the self. And…it’s all OK to be there.
The first question I always ask clients is “how does your body feel?”. Whatever session they came for, it allows a check in and they let me know what shows up. There may be parts of the body that get achey or show up with discomfort the day of a treatment and they will let me know. They may express the emotional experience they are living and perhaps the situations attached. They may tell me if they need nurturing and caring for, maybe they are even brave enough to ask to be held while they cry. Maybe they need to push against someone or be heard right where they are at. Maybe they need to get pissed off or feel bad for themselves. Maybe they make a request for particular music or oils or let me know something they really didn’t like or loved last session. The ways I can support are infinite for you to affirm yourself in the world. I don’t take it personal because my intention is to develop this relationship together so there is trust, safety, nourishment, openness and love. Put them all together and you will have healing.
There is something magical that happens when we speak our needs versus holding them inside.
Healing isn’t about a practitioner doing something to someone and they are fixed. Healing is a relationship between souls, between people. It is biologically programmed into us to create human bonds which provide the body oxytocin the “love / happiness” hormone and serotonin the “confidence” hormone along with others. Without this connection in person often with touch or touched by words (sorry email and texts don’t often count), we grow as a species.
We are also biologically programmed to have our needs met. So if we aren’t aware of what they are OR we judge our needs as inappropriate and don’t ask for them honestly, we will find a subcategory of needs to fill the preverbal “void”. These we all know…food, sex, shopping, addictive consumerism, caffeine, power struggles, drugs, alcohol, nicotine, gambling, internet, diving into caring for others to avoid the self, focusing on the problems of others, blame, gossip, changing yourself to meet others approval/validation, workshop junkies and workaholics with often the outcome being some sort of ‘disease’.
We as a Western nation have been taught to do what we’re told. To speak only if we have something nice to say. To follow the larger community and what those in power say is right for us. We haven’t been taught to be true to ourselves…in yet we are told to be fully ‘independent’.
We are suppose to reach perfection in our bodies in yet ignore the imperfection of big companies and world leaders and their choices for the planet. We are told to deny and fear what comes natural for what fits the status quo. We are taught to feel shame.
I don’t know if we can change the world on our own, but I find freedom in the idea that the more I can listen and ask for what I need in little ways, I will change my world. And if I inspire and honour someone else doing the same, then they will change their world. Maybe we all have a little part of the responsibility, and it doesn’t have to occur on a main stage. We all impact each other whether we know it or not, we all ask “why am I here?” and “what is my purpose?”. I can’t see a better way to find answers than just asking ourselves what I need in this moment and being open to the answer being so simple in yet has potential to redefine our existence and create something we could have never dreamed possible. If we all did it, I wonder what as a species we could be capable of together.
Just ask.
